nut hugger
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Randomize
