so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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