Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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