I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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