I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Randomize
