I wish I could teleport
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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