coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
