So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
