one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Randomize
