Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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