It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
