the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
