you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
