theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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