Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
