So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
