Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
