I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
