how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
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