Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
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