I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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