And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
