I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
