If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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