The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
