i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
