When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
