3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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