Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
