I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
