he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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