I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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