You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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