You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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