Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
