Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
