Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
there is glitter all over my balls
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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