Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
