i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
