I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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