i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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