i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
