I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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