Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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