I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
i think i just lost a toe
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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