Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
