I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
