Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
