They should really pass out barf bags in church
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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