he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
