At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
