You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm too high and old for this...
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
