Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
