goodnight i made you a song goodbye
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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