Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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