I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
