I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
