i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
