I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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