I think I won the penis lottery.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
